Restless longing for better circumstances

God what am I doing? None of this will probably make any sense to anyone, so don't even ask me what I mean. 

I feel like I'm standing eerily still, and everyone around me is is a blur of movement. I need to get moving, I need to do something.

I keep running into this onslaught of complete idiots. Its like I have this magnet attracting guys that are made up of everything I am not attracted to. I've never really cared about my romantic status or finding someone special, but I guess now that I'm getting older, its seeming more important. I think about the last three guys I dated and I wonder why I even have any faith in the male gender at all. I mean, I met Jason when I first moved here and I thought he was incredible. He was attractive, smart, funny, and I thought he genuinely cared about me. Flash forward several months and I felt like I still didn't know him at all, and then I come to find out I was just some sort of stupid conquest for him. Dylan was nice enough I guess... He was attractive and funny, but sadly wasn't incredibly bright. I don't feel like anything about him challenged me. That, and he told me he loved me after three days. So much for love though when he was fucking anything that moved while he was telling professing his undying love for me. Shaun was psycho. There's no word in any language that is more fitting than that. I talked to this guy for a week, JUST A WEEK, and he became incredibly possessive. He accused me of having relations with my gay friends, doing drugs, and being a slut. When I finally told him to fuck off, he threatened to kill me. I'm not just talking, "hey bitch I'm going to kill you." I'm talking going into great detail about every little bit of torture he was planning on inflicting on me.

Where do these losers come from and why do they want me? I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself, I just want to know what it is about me that sends off vibes that attract these guys. There's a specific type of guy I want and he either just doesn't exist, or he's not interested.  I just want someone who will get me. 

There are so many things that I want to say, but I can't even bring myself to type it out. I need to quit dwelling on the things that I can't change, but instead put my energy into things I can change. 

I am going to go back to acting aloof and disinterested, because putting forth effort is not getting me anywhere and I'm a stupid girl for even thinking it might.