Restless longing for better circumstances

God what am I doing? None of this will probably make any sense to anyone, so don't even ask me what I mean. 

I feel like I'm standing eerily still, and everyone around me is is a blur of movement. I need to get moving, I need to do something.

I keep running into this onslaught of complete idiots. Its like I have this magnet attracting guys that are made up of everything I am not attracted to. I've never really cared about my romantic status or finding someone special, but I guess now that I'm getting older, its seeming more important. I think about the last three guys I dated and I wonder why I even have any faith in the male gender at all. I mean, I met Jason when I first moved here and I thought he was incredible. He was attractive, smart, funny, and I thought he genuinely cared about me. Flash forward several months and I felt like I still didn't know him at all, and then I come to find out I was just some sort of stupid conquest for him. Dylan was nice enough I guess... He was attractive and funny, but sadly wasn't incredibly bright. I don't feel like anything about him challenged me. That, and he told me he loved me after three days. So much for love though when he was fucking anything that moved while he was telling professing his undying love for me. Shaun was psycho. There's no word in any language that is more fitting than that. I talked to this guy for a week, JUST A WEEK, and he became incredibly possessive. He accused me of having relations with my gay friends, doing drugs, and being a slut. When I finally told him to fuck off, he threatened to kill me. I'm not just talking, "hey bitch I'm going to kill you." I'm talking going into great detail about every little bit of torture he was planning on inflicting on me.

Where do these losers come from and why do they want me? I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself, I just want to know what it is about me that sends off vibes that attract these guys. There's a specific type of guy I want and he either just doesn't exist, or he's not interested.  I just want someone who will get me. 

There are so many things that I want to say, but I can't even bring myself to type it out. I need to quit dwelling on the things that I can't change, but instead put my energy into things I can change. 

I am going to go back to acting aloof and disinterested, because putting forth effort is not getting me anywhere and I'm a stupid girl for even thinking it might.

This is eerily accurate

A little mystery can be more of a turn-on or attraction than putting it all out there or giving it away. This strategy and the use of body language can go a long way toward satisfying your secret romantic intentions or leaving a good impression. Have faith in your plans, but don't become overly emotional or turn into an ice queen if things don't work out exactly as you expected. Never let 'em see you sweat, and don't make apologies for who you are just to feel valued by others.



I can feel myself getting cold already.

yadda yadda politics yadda yadda

"A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only exist until the voters discover that they can vote themselves money from the Public Treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates promising the most benefits from the Public Treasury with a result that a democracy always collapses over loose fiscal policy always followed by dictatorship. The average age of the world's greatest civilizations has been 200 years. These nations have progressed through the following sequence:

*From bondage to spiritual faith

*From spiritual faith to great courage

*From courage to liberty

*From abundance to selfishness

*From selfishness to complacency

*From complacency to apathy

*From apathy to dependency

*From dependency back to bondage"

-The Decline and Fall of the Athenian Republic

Meh

Fuck the "friend zone". Fuck it hard.

Soft hands?

My horoscope for today:

Why hide your affection for someone else just because you worry that they won't feel the same way? How they feel doesn't have to affect how you feel -- so tell the truth as you feel it. Take those deep feelings you have and bring them up to the surface. All that daylight and oxygen will help them grow -- and flourish! It's natural to fear rejection, and every one does get rejected from time to time. You need to know whether or not the feeling is mutual -- so find out.



NO THANKS. NOT IN THE MOOD TO GET REJECTED TODAY.


On another note, I got told I have the world's softest hands today. Neat.

Boom.

I feel like my head is going to explode.

I wish my life was like an Andrew W.K. video.

Found this in an older journal thing...

Ok honestly, my whole life, I've put up somewhat of a front. I act funny and sarcastic to mask insecurity (not all of the time, but most). I think it all stemmed from growing up as a fat kid. Its kind of the Chris Farley syndrome... Make fun of yourself before they can make fun of you. I've almost always been aware of this, so its not like I sat in my room and had a long period of self reflection to realize it. I mean, I sometimes actually am funny and sarcastic and not doing it to deter people from getting to know the "deeper me", but not the majority of the time. The majority of the time I'm shy, pensive, and dorky.

I'm really a bookworm and a music nerd and I really dig Mystery Science Theater 3000.
I talk to my animals more than any one person should.
I write probably a full journal a month, pages filled with stupid observations/theories and dreams.
I watch the History Channel/Discovery Health Channel/The Learning Channel more than anyone ever should.
I've seen and experienced terrible things, but I wouldn't change anything about my past. My past has made me tough and compassionate and made me realize how strong I really am. There's nothing and no one who could ever break me.
I get teary-eyed when I see roadkill and I want to save every animal in the entire world. The fact that I can't save them all breaks my heart every day.
I actually do care about falling in love even though I'll deny it forever.
I feel things very deeply even though I act like my heart is made of cement.
I really like cheesy horror movies and kung fu movies make me oh so happy.
I'm confident even though some people don't think I should be.
When I was little I wanted to grow up to be a super hero and a part of me always will.

With Arms Outstretched

Its 16 miles to the promise land

and I promise you, I'm doing the best I can

Now don't fool yourself

In thinking you're more than a man

Cuz you'll probably end up dead

I visit these mountains with frequency

And I stand there with my arms up

Now some days, they last longer than others

But this day by the lake went too fast

And if you want me

You better speak up, I won't wait

So you better move fast

Don't fool yourself

In thinking you're more than you are

With your arms outstretched to me

Now its 16 miles to the promised land

And I promise you, I'm doing the best I can

Now some days, they last longer than others

But this day by the lake went too fast

And if you want me

Yo better speak up, I won't wait

So you better move fast

And some days, they last longer than others

But this day by the lake went too fast

And if you want me

You better speak up, I won't wait

So you better move fast.